Wednesday, May 21, 2008

No more excuses

So, now that I don't have the "I can eat whatever I want becuase I'm pregnant" excuse...I'm on the journey to loose weight and get in shape. It's a tough journey for me, because I've struggled with it my entire life.

I can remember the first time I actually worried about my weight - I was in 3rd grade. The school nurse came around to our classrooms and took each one of us outside to weigh and measure us - I remember being so worried and being very aware that I was larger than other kids in my class. Now, as an adult, it makes me very sad for that little girl. That was just the beginning of a lifetime of worry. When I was in 9th grade, my oldest sister told Kerry and I that if we lost weight (I think 30 lbs. was the amount she wanted) that she would take us to Disney World. That was my first diet. And it was a crazy, unhealthy one. We both did loose the weight - and she did take us to Disney World. But, a year or so later, once we quit starving ourselves, it came back. Then, my sophomore year of college I started exercising like a maniac. I would work out 2 times a day at the least - ate nothing but baked potatoes and grilled chicken and I was the smallest I've been in my life. This lasted for a year or so, then I quit working out and started eating again - and guess what? It all came back. After graduation, I moved to Tulsa and started the "grapefruit" diet. I would eat eggs and bacon in the a.m., then salad at lunch and dinner, and have either grapefruit juice or a grapefruit with every meal. I also started running with my oldest sister. I lost a lot of weight - and ran in a 5K and even did a backpacking trip in British Columbia, Canada. I was in the best shape I had ever been in. This stayed off for a long time. I didn't stay on the "grapefruit" diet long, but kept exercising. Even when I went back to Tech to work, I kept up the exercise routine and started eating healthy meals. Then, Chris and I got married - and I stopped exercising and eating healthy...back I went. In the 5 years that we've been married, I've yo-yo'd back and forth, loosing 20 lbs here and there, and gaining 20 here and there.

Oh goodness, I'm so tired of this being on my mind so much. About 4 weeks ago, I woke up in the middle of the night with a question on my mind. It was as if someone was asking me what the one thing in my life that causes me the most pain and worry is - and my immediate thought was, my weight. That's the one thing that I obsess over and never seem to be able to get control of. It's what makes me self-conscious. It's what makes me sad. It holds me back. It keeps me from being the person that God created me to be.

It's kind of embarassing to talk about this in this forum...I'm usually very private about it. But, it's had control of me way too long and I know that I owe it to myself and to my children and husband to quit letting it make me sad, and just do something about it. I try to be so smart and sensible about how I handle everything in my life - this is one area where I make crazy decisions and try crazy things.

It's going to be a journey - but it'll be good for me - in lots of ways.

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